By Thomas Quillfeldt and Kirsty Birkett-Stubbs
Pokémon GO is the 800-pound gorilla of mobile gaming. That is to say, it’s BIG, even if the initial gigantic wave of pop culture hysteria has broken somewhat. And every blog needs some Pokémon GO #content, am I right? Even the NME.com took some time off writing about Noel Gallagher to post a fair few articles on the critter phenomenon.
But what does all that Pokémon GO #content lack? MASSIVE guitar riffage, a ton of double bass pedal and some throat-shredding, indecipherable vocals, that’s what.
Fearow the Dark – Iron Maiden
Good ol’ Fearow, soaring like an epic Janick Gers guitar solo, ready to peck your eyes out. The only problem with it being on this list? Feeble Fearow is weak to ROCK.
Taste of My Scyther – Children of Bodom
Three things unite blade-armed Pokémon Scyther (who has a serious case of bitchy resting face) and Finnish band Children of Bodom: POWER + DEATH + METAL.
Haunter – Evanescence
Haunter seemingly suffers from terrible gastro-intestinal problems, which might explain its surly demeanour. At least we have to assume that, given that its special attacks are “ominous wind”, “dark pulse” and “sludge bomb”.
High Voltorb – AC/DC
Electric Pokémon Voltorb probably knows a thing or two about AC/DC... So I’m told, it’s much more aggressive with its “tackle” than Angus Young on tour.
Zubat Out of Hell – Meat Loaf
Meat Loaf claims he’ll be "gone when the morning comes", but Zubat “remains quietly unmoving in a dark spot during the bright daylight hours”. Both would be completely useless in terms of making breakfast.
Hypno–tize – System of a Down
Like System of a Down’s music, Hypno will lure you in with the promise of feeling soothed, before abruptly smashing you round the chops with a “Zen Headbutt”.
Sabbra Kadabra – Black Sabbath
Perhaps Kadabra is the vengeful spirit of that row of ants Ozzy Osbourne once snorted to prove to Nikki Sixx that he was indeed the most depraved rocker of them all.
Seel The Deal – Volbeat
Little known fact: Danish heavy metal band Volbeat decided to pack it all in, fuse into one entity and appear as a third generation Pokémon.
Prince Charmander – Metallica
Was it not James Hetfield who once sang: “Gimme fire/Gimme that which I desire”? Maybe the band could have included the adorable Charmander in one of those sweaty love/hate group hugs they insist on having on camera.